10 Feb 2015

Tough Love. Falling For Yourself

New-Single-Woman-Banner-Idea-3-11In my second book, “Why Hasn’t He Proposed?” I wrote, “we believe that relationships are what matter in life.” When I went back and reread that, I had to figure out if that still holds true. In the end, I believe I was right. Relationships matter in life. In a breakup or divorce, we (unfortunately) tend to neglect the relationship that matters most; the relationship with ourselves.

I really thought I knew myself when I got married. Maybe I did. But the person I know today is very different. A friend of mine wrote a letter to me not long ago because he had apparently watched me transition from single to married to unhappy to divorced to single to happy. Here is what he said:

“For years, you have slowly progressed towards darkness.  You saw only failure in your life, and you gravitated to a long line of losers who might have been good enough to be your personal assistant (or booty call) but never your equal. I can’t remember the last time you were with someone who was worth your time. During our last call, however short it was, things were different. You saw success in your life and not failure; you had hope for the future; and you recognized that any time you spent with the wrong men was unhealthy and pointless (I didn’t even have to say a thing about it).  You reminded me of the kicking ass, taking names, version of yourself who knew what she wanted, knew how to get it, and would bury you if you got in her way.  I’ve missed that girl for a long time, and I hope that as you come to accept that you’re pretty damn special that you’ll parole her from the bottomless pit in your psyche where you’ve been stashing her. You have taken your first (albeit small) step back into the light, and I think that’s great.”

So, I ask you: are you that kicking %^*(*), taking names, version of yourself that on once knew? Do you miss her? Can you parole her from where you have been stashing her in your psyche?  I sure hope you can. And, I hope that I can help.

On the road to getting to know yourself again, it’s important to stay true to what you know.  Get to know yourself again. Did you love movies on a Sunday? Did you workout in the morning instead of the afternoon? Did you enjoy being alone?

Looking back, my most favorite time after my divorce was Friday nights. I used to order a small pizza (yes I love to eat) and watch 3 movies in a row with my Chihuahua sitting on my lap.  At first, I was embarrassed to tell anyone at work the following Monday what I had done. Then, I started to embrace it. Now, I brag about it. It made me relearn myself, and it was one small step. Eventually, I started to add friends to the mix, which was hard at first. I didn’t want to see couple friends that we both shared – even just the women made me sad.  To this day, I walk every Sunday with one of the women my ex-husband and I used to be friends with when we were married. I don’t even think about him and I cherish my friendship with her.